Friday, December 19, 2014

One Year Later

Namscara everyone!

It's now been one year exactly since I returned from India, and I wanted to make a reflection post. This year has been filled with so many emotions, from sadness to joy, and it made sense to jot some of them down here.

First of all, I miss India and Visthar every single day. My friend Kelsey (an SJPD alum herself) gave me the language to talk about it awhile ago; it really is a kind of grief. It feels weird to talk about it like that, since it feels so small next to everyone else's losses, but I am mourning the end of that semester and my time with all those amazing people and all the little things, like Visthar's coconut chutney and hearing prayer calls from mosques and buying fruit from street vendors. Even if I go back (and I hope to God I can one day) it will not be the same, and that's something I'm struggling to accept. I will never get that experience back.

This is also why, if you see me often in person, India comes up constantly. One major way to heal is to bring up good memories and to talk through them, sharing the wonder of my travel. I know it can get wearying to have me reference it literally all the time, but sharing stories has been a good way for me to remember and share my emotions. Thank you all for putting up with that.

Another thing I've been thinking about is how I've used what I learned over the semester. It's been difficult for me, after seeing and talking about so many shocking things in our world and the suffering that American-style consumerist living causes, to cope with going back to essentially how I was before the trip. I haven't made any of the grand changes I promised myself I would when I was in India. Sure, I buy organic more often than maybe I did before, and I get most clothes thrifted (I did that before the trip too), but really what's changed? It's hard not to feel like a hypocrite, but I have to remember that what's required is systematic change, that it is actually impossible to consume 100% ethically under our current globalized capitalist system. The fact that I can even afford organic yogurt is a sign of class privilege; not everyone has access to even the small (more) ethical purchases I try to make.

I'm doing what I can, small as it is. I'm trying to have meaningful conversations with people about oppression and staying silent less often, and I spoke publicly about the Bhopal disaster earlier this year. It has indeed been amazing watching all of the other people I went to India with making their own WONDERFUL changes too, and it makes me feel hopeful that together we can fix something.

It's been a year, a tough one and a good one, and I want to thank you all for being here and sitting with me though the million emotions.

Peace and love,
Malyn